MenEngage Alliance & NAMEN's Joint Response to accusations of harassment, misconduct and bullying by men within the field of engaging men and boys in gender equality

It is with grave concern that we address two distinct cases of allegations of harassment, misconduct and bullying by two men, Michael Kimmel, Professor of Sociology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, and Ravi Karkara, Senior Advisor at UN Women, who are considered longstanding leaders in the field of engaging men and boys in gender equality.

We acknowledge that the investigation into these cases is still in progress. However, while we await the outcomes of formal investigation processes, we believe silence and inaction is not an option. MenEngage Alliance takes a survivor-centered approach to such cases, which involves listening to and supporting survivors. We do not need to wait until someone has been formally charged or proven guilty in order to offer those who have come forward empathy and ally-ship. 

While the specific allegations of these cases differ significantly, we agree that these cases share key underlying factors that have become all too familiar. Namely, men in positions of power are alleged to have used and abused their influence to manipulate, coerce, bully and systematically subordinate others - which includes deeply troubling reports of sexual harassment and misconduct. The nature of these allegations is all the more concerning because the two men who are implicated have been widely regarded as leading advocates and mentors to others in our field for many years. Their work includes collaborations with - and participation in - MenEngage Alliance activities[1]. This response is therefore not only a call on those implicated but on the institutions they belong to – including our own.

As a network founded on human rights and feminist principles, MenEngage Alliance upholds its core principles and code of conduct and holds everyone affiliated with the Alliance, including our staff, network members and collaborating partners, to account by these standards. These include zero tolerance against violence; the prioritization of transparency and ethical standards; maximizing safety and wellbeing for all; and holding one another accountable. These accusations represent a crucial test for us as an Alliance and the men and masculinities field in upholding these principles we have set for ourselves. 

MenEngage Alliance stands with those who have bravely come forward, including those that have remained anonymous, and acknowledge the courage it has taken them to speak openly about their experiences. Some of the suggested ways forward outlined in this response come from those affected by the cases, and we take responsibility through the platforms we have, to elevate their voices, from a Do No Harm principle. 

This type of abuse is often able to happen and persist for such long periods of time, because of underlying power dynamics, and the significant influence some men hold in their institutions, over their peers, coupled with a deep sense of (male) entitlement that overrides even the knowledge of what constitutes respectful and equitable relationships. 

While we await the formal outcomes of the investigative processes, we call on those involved to take the following actions: 

The accused

• We call on the accused men to listen to and acknowledge the experiences of the accusers, to respond and acknowledge their behaviors through transparent representation of the events, and, if the investigations into these cases find the accusations to be true, to take full responsibility for their actions. 
• If those who have been harmed wish to seek restorative justice, we urge those accused to make amends and provide support in this process as appropriate.
• We also urge other men who are close to those accused to encourage and support them to remain accountable according to their professed pro-feminist values and commitments.

Individual men and the men and masculinities field

• We call on men, as a privileged constituency, to speak up and act when such cases of abuse and violence occur. It is expected of those men who consider themselves pro-feminist, to speak out and hold other men to account for any harmful acts.
• We emphasize that any such reflections and actions by and among men need to be done alongside the invaluable reflections and calls to action of women’s rights, gender equality and feminist activists.
• This moment calls for serious introspection and action among men working in the gender equality field, on how our systems of accountability have failed, and ask ourselves what prevented us from realizing or acknowledging abuse was occurring in our field, and what prevented those who knew from speaking out.
• We call on MenEngage Alliance members and partners, as well as all men and boys who are part of the movements towards women’s rights and gender justice, to strengthen our own systems of relational accountability and restorative justice. We must foster a space to support and challenge each other so that we can truly embody the core principles that we have set for ourselves and to hold each other to account.

The institutions involved

• We call on these institutions to assess their organizational practices in order to contribute to the prevention of future cases of harassment, misconduct, and bullying - including sexual- and to ensure they have proper systems and capacity to handle any future incidents in an adequate manner, assuring that due process for accuser and accused is institutionalized and strictly adhered to.
• We urge these institutions in their response to build on the expertise of feminist women’s rights organizations on survivor-centered approaches to handling such cases.
• We remind these institutions that simply having policies and mechanisms is not enough, they must be used regularly and as part of wider efforts to transform institutional cultures, end impunity for perpetrators, and create safer workplace environments. This includes an examination of institutional structures and hierarchies, and patriarchal power dynamics which allow sexual misconduct and bullying to occur and prevent it from being reported.
• We commit to monitoring these cases closely to support accountable processes by State University of New York at Stony Brook and UN Women, in which the cases are handled adequately and appropriately, the necessary support is given to survivors and justice is delivered in a timely manner.

MenEngage Alliance

• As an Alliance, we must and will take this challenging moment to come together to strengthen our collective and individual accountable practices and amplify our efforts to eliminate all forms of violence and impunity, and dismantle patriarchy.
• We commit to continuing the process MenEngage Alliance has been undertaking in recent months, to develop comprehensive internal policies and mechanisms on preventing and responding to all types of violence and abuse – the importance and urgency of which is further underlined by these recent cases. We have come to the realization that despite one of our core principles being ‘zero tolerance against any form of sexual harassment, abuse and exploitation’, we need to strengthen internal policies and lay out proper standards, response and handling mechanisms to effectively prevent and respond to any cases should they occur.
• We urge all our members and organizations to conduct regular gender assessments and capacity development efforts, informed by feminist principles and expertise. The Alliance’s Accountability Toolkit can be a useful resource to carry out an inclusive, participatory reflection and develop and monitor action points with your colleagues on your organization or network’s institutional practices and culture.

MenEngage Alliance is willing to be of utmost support, within the limits of its expertise and capacity, to those who have been affected by these situations. We can offer a safe space for conversation and sharing, and jointly explore available support from other expert organizations or individuals based on specific needs. You can reach out to us here.

Abhijit Das, Co-Chair, MenEngage Alliance / Director, Center for Health and Social Justice, India

Humberto Carolo, Co-Chair, MenEngage Alliance / Executive Director, White Ribbon Canada
Craig Norberg-Bohm, Co-Chair, North American MenEngage Network (NAMEN)

Joni van de Sand, Director, MenEngage Alliance Global Secretairat

===============================================================

The original reporting on these cases:

• “’I Want to Hear Those Charges’: Noted Sociologist Defers Award Until He Can ‘Make Amends’”, Katherine Mangan, 01 August 2018 https://www.chronicle.com/article/I-Want-to-Hear-Those/244119 [this is not accessible public ally, needs paid subscription to access the article]
• “Eight Men have accused a senior UN Advisor of Sexual Misconduct, Sources say; Exclusive” https://www.newsweek.com/senior-un-official-investigated-sexually-harassing-male-subordinates-1059209

Further references and resources:

• “When profeminist men are alleged to have perpetrated abuse or harassment”, Michael Flood, 08 August 2018 http://xyonline.net/content/when-profeminist-men-are-alleged-have-perpetrated-abuse-or-harassment
• “The Right Way to React If Someone Accuses You of Violating Their Consent”, Brittney McNamara, 25 January 2018 https://www.teenvogue.com/story/right-way-react-violate-consent
• “What to Do When Someone You Know Has Been Accused of Sexual Harassment“, Elizabeth Kiefer, 30 May 2018 https://www.glamour.com/story/what-to-do-when-someone-you-know-is-accused-of-sexual-harassment
• “What are the responsibilities of pro-feminist men in the Michael Kimmel case?”, Robert Jensen, 06 August 2018 https://www.feministcurrent.com/2018/08/06/responsibilities-pro-feminist-men-michael-kimmel-case/
• “Reclaiming my fear: I will no longer stay silent about Michael Kimmel”, Bethany M. Coston, 09 August 2018 https://medium.com/@bmcoston/reclaiming-my-fear-i-will-no-longer-stay-silent-about-michael-kimmel-bde8602fee55
• “How to respond if a friend is accused of sexual misconduct”, Micheline Maynard, 27 March 2018, http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-11-20/what-to-say-if-a-friend-is-accused-of-sexual-misconduct/9168782
• “What We Need From Accused Perpetrators Like Michael Kimmel #metoosociology”, Debra Guckenheimer, 03 August 2018 https://medium.com/@debraguckenheimer/what-we-need-from-accused-perpetrators-like-michael-kimmel-metoosociology-979a8102547f
• “Restoring Trust in the Feminist Sociology Community”, Wendy M. Christensen, 06 August 2018 https://medium.com/@wendyphd/restoring-trust-in-the-feminist-sociology-community-293e485c54a2
• “UN must not lose funding over sexual harassment, alleged victim warns”, Hannah Summers, 10 August 2018 https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2018/aug/10/un-must-not-lose-credibility-over-sexual-harassment-alleged-victim-steve-lee-ravi-karkara-un-women
• “MenEngage Accountability Standards and Guidelines”, MenEngage Global Alliance, 2018 http://menengage.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/MenEngage_Accountability-Standards-and-Guidelines.pdf
• “Practices and processes of accountability within the men for gender justice field: Synthesis of Discussions at the 2nd Global Symposium”, Center for Health and Social Justice, November 2015 http://menengage.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Change-Begins-Within_practices-and-processes-of-accountability_Delhi-symposium.pdf

[1] MenEngage Alliance has collaborated with Michael Kimmel and Stony Brook University in organizing various conferences and events, and he has contributed to MenEngage Alliance publications. He has since many years been considered a thought leader and mentor to many in this field of work. Ravi Karkara has been involved within MenEngage Alliance since its early days while he was working with various NGOs. As staff of UN Women, he worked on strategies to engage men and boys, and MenEngage Alliance collaborated with him in various UN events, including around youth participation.

#MentorHer is a Feeble effort at Redemption

By Abhijit Das*

The global #MeToo campaign and movement by women, which called out the sexual harassment that women have to face in the workplace has now come up with a response #MentorHer. This campaign was launched on the 6^th of February through the website LeanIn.org. The campaign has been informed by a survey among nearly 3000 men and women in the US and aims to “get more men to mentor women in the workplace”. #MentorHer has been launched to mitigate the potential backlash against women in the workplace, especially in the corporate sector. It acknowledges that now managers ‘feel uncomfortable working with a woman’. It assumes that once mentored more women will lead and when women lead the workplace will be ‘stronger and safer for everyone'. Thirty eight CEO’s have committed to mentoring women in the workplace. Mentoring is recognized as a powerful learning and grooming tool for leaders. It is a form of inter-generational learning, a tool for passing skills and values between trusted associates. It is also volitional, or mutual, where the best mentorship takes place only when the mentor and mentored both agree.

On the face of it #MentorHer appears to be a good strategy to develop women’s leadership in the workplace, i.e. in different industries and sectors. It would appear to be a good strategy to move women from the shop floor to the supervisor’s role, from the receptionist to the executive, and from the middle management to the upper management. If well executed it may well be the strategy that will allow women to break the glass ceiling in such a manner that it becomes part of history, and more women occupy the boardroom as well as the cabinet.

Women’s secondary situation in the workplace is a well-known problem, but the problem that #MeToo raised is related to the sexual harassment that women face while working. This could be an overtly sexist environment among peers to a more frank request for sexual favours by the superior. #MentorHer ignores this sexual harassment of women by men and does not address the issue of subordination and objectification of women. If it is being endorsed by CEOs, it means that the CEOs in question are making no call to review their attitudes towards their female colleagues and associates. This is where the problem #MeToo indicated lies, not in women’s lack of leadership abilities.

The mentorship proposition starts with a gendered assumption that the manager is a man who now feels uncomfortable because the subordinate woman will no longer be ‘quiet’ but has been ‘empowered’ and will call out his harassment. So some level of empowerment is being assumed and while additional mentorship may put women in more leadership positions, they will continue to remain prey to higher level male leaders who don’t mind making jokes about ‘grabbing pussy’. So the success of #MentorHer doesn’t address the key issue, just proposes to defer it to a higher level because as long as a ‘pussy grabbing’ kind of disrespectful attitude persists among men the problem remains.

With all due respect to the organisers of this effort I personally feel that #MentorHer falls short as a response to #MeToo. It continues to see women as being responsible for their own safety. If it is indeed supported and sponsored by male leaders of industry, I feel these leaders have failed to take any accountability for the failure of men in positions of authority and power to abuse this privilege in sexually abusing women subordinates. A simpler call like #IRespect would have been more direct and meaningful.

*Dr. Abhijit Das is the Director of Center for Health and Social Justice (CHSJ), India and Co-Chair of MenEngage Alliance.

Momentos claves en la contextualización del código de conducta de MenEngage en Nicaragua

Douglas Mendoza Urrutia y Ana María Bermúdez

Código de Conducta REDMAS

La Red de Masculinidad por la Igualdad de Género de Nicaragua (REDMAS) es una red que llegó a su noveno aniversario con 20 organizaciones de la sociedad civil. Coincidimos organizaciones feministas, organizaciones que trabajan con niños, niñas, adolescentes y jóvenes y grupos de hombres. El objetivo de este artículo es compartir las razones que nos movió a construir nuestro propio Código de Conducta.  Identificamos cuatro momentos claves en este proceso.

Diálogo con el movimiento feminista

El primer momento fue un encuentro con compañeras del movimiento feminista sobre el trabajo de masculinidades. Compartimos la historia del grupo de hombres contra la violencia formada en los años noventa. Preocupados por la violencia contra las mujeres y motivados por las compañeras feministas nos organizamos para hablar sobre nuestras propias vidas y hacer  un trabajo público de concientización.
Muchas compañeras no creían en el trabajo con hombres. Señalaban que posterior a la revolución sandinista los hombres habíamos continuado con el machismo, pese a que la intención era ser hombres nuevos.

Nos dijeron que el trabajo de masculinidades genera discursos igualitarios en los hombres pero pueden seguir siendo machistas en sus vidas cotidianas. Por eso cuestionamos a fondo esas relaciones de poder de los hombres e impulsamos este trabajo desde muchos frentes: las paternidades, la salud sexual y derechos reproductivos, la prevención del VIH y el SIDA, las diversidades sexuales y la prevención de la violencia. 

Las compañeras nos hicieron preguntas que nos cuestionan:

¿Surgió el trabajo de los hombres producto de los malestares de los propios hombres sobre los núcleos duros de su masculinidad o nació por el malestar creciente del feminismo?  

Nos preguntan sobre la intención y las motivaciones más profundas de nuestro trabajo con los hombres. ¿Es para hacer reformas que preserven el poder masculino o es para unirse al movimiento feminista y desmontar el poder masculino patriarcal?

Las compañeras nos dijeron que los hombres tienen que ser interpelados. Aquí está la esencia de la rendición de cuentas. Desaprender el machismo es un proceso lento, con avances y recaídas. Por eso necesitamos esa constante interpelación del movimiento de mujeres. 

Nos señalaron los riesgos de enfoques en el trabajo con hombres donde se diluye el análisis de las relaciones de poder, dejándolo como un problema superficial de comunicación, o se coloca a los hombres en un victimismo (“hombres sufridos por el machismo”), o se teme abordar temas como la homofobia. 

Estas reflexiones críticas nos comprometen a crear más espacios de diálogo con el movimiento de mujeres, forjar alianzas concretas y mejorar nuestras prácticas internas como red.

Código de Conducta de MenEngage 

El segundo momento  influyente en la decisión de construir nuestro Código de Conducta fue la adherencia de nuestra Red al Código de Conducta de MenEngage Global. Pensamos que sería importante trabajar en un documento que normara las relaciones entre hombres y mujeres al interno de REDMAS y con los grupos metas que trabajamos. Vimos que no era suficiente que cada organización tuviese su propia política institucional de protección o código de ética, sino que necesitábamos una como REDMAS.

Taller regional en Auditoría  y Rendición de cuentas

El tercer momento se marca con el taller regional sobre auditoría y rendición de cuentas, que se realizó en Nicaragua, facilitado por MenEngage. Nos dimos cuenta de la dimensión política de la auditoría y rendición de cuentas. Comprendimos que para transformar las relaciones de poder los grupos privilegiados deben rendir cuentas y escuchar la perspectiva de los grupos con menos poder. Por ejemplo, los hombres deben rendir cuentas y escuchar a las mujeres; y las mujeres activistas deben también escuchar a otras mujeres marginadas. Se trata de una herramienta anti-opresiva de alianzas.

Rendir cuentas es compartir con transparencia lo que hacemos y estar dispuestos a ser cuestionados. Urge escuchar y tomar medidas cuando nos señalan prácticas que violan nuestros principios. 

Al final del taller nos comprometimos a firmar el Código de Conducta de MenEngage, tender un puente de diálogo con organizaciones de mujeres que no son de la RED, poner en común la apuesta política de REDMAS con todas sus organizaciones miembros, y replicar los contenidos del taller con las organizaciones miembros.

Taller de réplica con la Asamblea de REDMAS 

El taller de réplica fue el cuarto momento del proceso. Ingenuamente creíamos que todas las personas dentro de la RED establecemos relaciones de respeto y equidad, dado que somos activistas con un compromiso con la igualdad y los derechos humanos. Al abordar la rendición de cuentas, salió a luz situaciones problemáticas dentro de la RED que no se habían abordado. Algunos compañeros estaban tratando en forma sexista a algunas compañeras. Se estaban facilitando actividades educativas con metodologías inapropiadas. 

Concluimos que no se podían seguir permitiendo estas prácticas.  Sin embargo, no teníamos claridad sobre cómo proceder. Era más fácil resolver los análisis de casos teóricos sobre violaciones al Código de Conducta incluidos en el diseño del taller, que enfrentar casos similares en la vida real. 

Teníamos que sentar un precedente, para no dejar el mensaje equivocado de que en REDMAS se encubren esas situaciones pero, ¿Cómo hacerlo? Sentimos mucho temor de que las situaciones se hicieran públicas y perdiéramos nuestra credibilidad como RED. Prevaleció nuestro compromiso de practicar la coherencia entre el discurso y la práctica.

Existen organizaciones que no son de la RED que están haciendo trabajo con hombres con enfoques reforzadores del machismo. También comentamos de líderes de organizaciones acusados por delitos de abuso sexual que han solicitado integrarse a la RED. Esto fue también otra motivación para contar con un Código de Conducta para evitar que organizaciones con prácticas cuestionables ingresen a la RED. Estas situaciones surgidas en el taller aceleró la decisión de contar con un Código de Conducta. Y lo fuimos construyendo en forma participativa con los aportes de todos y todas.

Key experiences in the contextualization of the MenEngage Code of Conduct in Nicaragua

By Douglas Mendoza Urrutia and Ana María Bermudez

REDMAS Code of Conduct

The Masculinity Network for Gender Equality (RedMas) is a Nicaraguan network of 20 civil society organizations that recently celebrated its ninth anniversary. Among its members are feminist organizations, organizations working children, adolescents and youths and men’s groups. The aim of this post is to share the experiences and reasons that led us to build our own Code of Conduct. We identified four key experiences in this process.

Dialogues with the feminist movement

The first experience was a meeting with compañeras (female comrades) of the feminist movement about work with men and masculinities. We shared the history of the Group of Men Against Violence formed in the 1990s. Concerned about violence against women and motivated by feminist peers, we organized ourselves to work both inwardly, sharing reflections in private circles about our own lives as men, and to start the outward process of reaching out to other men for awareness-raising. 

Many feminist compañeras did not believe in the work with men. They pointed out that even after the triumph of the Sandinista revolution men continued with their machistas tendencies, even though the intention was to be a new man within a just social order.

We were told that the work on masculinities generates egalitarian discourse in men but that many remained macho in their daily lives. That is why we are committed to question the power relations that men establish. That is why we are pushing this work from many fronts: paternity, sexual health and reproductive rights, prevention of HIV and AIDS, sexual diversity and prevention of violence.

The compañeras asked us questions that challenged us:
Did work with men arise out of personal discomfort with the hard cores of their masculinity, or was it born out of solidarity with feminism?

They asked us about the intentions and deeper motivations of our work with men. Is it to make reforms that preserve male power or is it to join the feminist movement and dismantle male patriarchal power?

The compañeras told us that men have to be questioned. Here is the essence of accountability. Unlearning machismo is a slow process, with advances and relapses. That is why we need that constant interpolation of the women's movement.

They also laid out some of the risks of some approaches to working with men: the analysis of power relations may be diluted, reducing it to a superficial problem of communication; placing men in a victims’ role ("men suffering from machismo"); or fearing to address important themes such as homophobia.

These critical reflections commit us to creating more spaces for dialogue with the women's movement, forging concrete alliances and improving our internal practices as a network.

MenEngage Code of Conduct

The second experience influencing the decision to build our Code of Conduct was our Network's decision to adhere to the MenEngage Global Code of Conduct. We thought it would be important to work on a document that would regulate the relationships between men and women within REDMAS and with the target groups we work with. We saw that it was not enough for each organization to have its own institutional policy of protection or code of ethics - we needed one like REDMAS’s.

Regional Workshop on Accountability

The third experience was the regional workshop on accountability, which was held in Nicaragua in 2015, facilitated by the MenEngage Global Secretariat. It was there that we realized the political dimension of accountability. We understood that to transform power relations, privileged groups must be accountable and listen to the perspectives of groups with less power. For example, men should be accountable and listen to women and women activists must also listen to other marginalized women. It is an anti-oppressive alliance tool.

To be accountable is to share with transparency what we do and be willing to be questioned. It is urgently important to listen and take action when others point out practices that violate our principles.

At the end of the workshop, we committed to signing the MenEngage Code of Conduct, building a bridge of dialogue with women's organizations, disseminating our political commitment with all member organizations, and replicating the contents of the workshop with member organizations.

The Replication Workshop with the REDMAS Assembly

The workshop on accountability with our members, also held in 2015, was the fourth experience in this process. We naively believed that all people within the network establish respectful and equitable relationships, since we are activists with a commitment to equality and human rights. In addressing accountability during the workshop, problematic situations within the network that had not been addressed emerged. Some of the male members of the network were behaving in sexist ways toward female members. Some educational interventions were being implemented using inappropriate approaches.

We concluded that these practices could no longer be allowed. However, we did not know how to proceed. It was easier to resolve the theoretical case analyses of violations of the Code of Conduct offered in the workshop than to tackle similar cases in real life.

We had to set a precedent, so as not to leave the wrong impression, that REDMAS was concerned about such situations, but did not address them. We were very afraid that the situations would be made public and we would lose our credibility. Ultimately, our commitment to coherence between discourse and practice prevailed.


There are organizations that are not members of the network but are working with men on gender issues using approaches that reinforce machismo; we have also received requests to join the network from leaders who have been accused of sexual abuse. These were other reasons why we needed a Code of Conduct - to prevent organizations and people with questionable practices from joining the network. The situations discussed during the workshop accelerated the decision to create a Code of Conduct. And we built it in a participatory way, with contributions from everyone.

In disquiet, the seed of a new understanding: a way forward for men and gender equality

By Abhijit Das

Abhijit Das

Every day the news is becoming painfully similar. A man in the US has shot students in a school or college, a gang of young men had a street fight somewhere leaving many dead and wounded, a young man is arrested in a European country for being part of a terrorist plot that killed and maimed many people somewhere else, a man has raped a girl, a brother has shot his sister for planning to marry a man of her choice in Pakistan, a father killed his children and then his wife before hanging himself somewhere deep in the central part of India. The list is endless.

Men all over the world are in the news for killing, shooting, raping, road rage, domestic violence, honour killing, acid attacks and many more forms of violence against others – women, men, children, sisters, children, wives. Society has often glorified violence and killing, especially in wars aimed at political gain and public safety, where the other ‘party’ is cast as the enemy. But in recent times such ‘heroic’ acts of violence seem to be replaced by more inter-personal violence, or violence which is not aimed at any obvious enemy. And this disease seems to affect men everywhere.

In the last few weeks I have had discussions with the leadership of a number of development organisations who have asked me about ways they could start a conversation with men in the communities that they work in. All these organisations have been working with women for years, in some cases decades. Women had organized into community groups, they were engaged in different kinds of economic activity, were bringing more money into their households, but now because they were more articulate and mobile and had more aspirations for themselves they  faced resistance from men in their families and in their communities. The request was that we work with men at community and family levels to create a more supportive and enabling environment for these obviously empowered women.

You may be wondering, what is the relationship between the violence by men that I have described in the first instance and the societal and familial control exerted by men in the second? For me the relationship lies in our expectation of men in the family and in society. In the second case there is an expectation now that the men become facilitative of women’s new aspirations, provide them with encouragement, or at least space and opportunity. While I can understand where the anxiety of the organisations comes from, and respect their understanding of women’s rights, I feel that they have failed to understand how patriarchy -- a society based on men’s primacy -- creates men and leads to a kind of ‘hegemonic’ masculinity which controls not only through boundaries, orders, coercion and force but equally through a kind of overweening concern and protectiveness. Men are comfortable being in a position of authority tinged by fear, and if we work with men to make them understand women’s need for more opportunity and space, moving men to this different position can become equally problematic, as some can become violent or cruelly controlling when their  control is challenged.

This phenomenon, of men becoming cruel and violent when their comfort levels are upset or challenged, is at the core of the high levels of violence that we are witnessing everywhere.

Violence, control and coercion are key to expressions of power, and as mentioned earlier, society often valorizes these expressions for purposes of ‘safety’ and ‘discipline’. Boys are trained to become men in all families, internalizing masculine roles through myths, stories, games, toys, comic books, video games, TV serials  -- this list is endless, too. Even the most well-meaning mother prepares her son for his future role by encouraging study, sports and outdoor life, and discouraging the practice of household work, or of art, music or dolls.

Among the emotions allowed by masculinity, being sad is discouraged, and anger is allowed but immediately pacified or satisfied so that disappointment doesn’t linger. Today boys are encouraged to be happy and successful at all costs, and they are not at all trained to manage disappointment. So we raise boys to be men who are familiar with being in positions where their needs are satisfied -- in other words, to be in positions of authority and power. They know they can express dissatisfaction through anger and believe that violence by people in positions of authority can be morally justified if it is against an ‘enemy’. Taken together this can become a very toxic mix.             

But the real world is very different from the cocoon of the family. It is full of potential disappointments and frustrations. Today the world order is changing rapidly. Subordinate social classes are now much more assertive, livelihood opportunities are evaporating, jobs are insecure and there is increasing poverty. In many cases, the security of the home is becoming lost due to patterns of migration. There are more men who find their world topsy-turvy and fewer reside in the comfort zone of continued privilege and authority. In this confusion many try to hang on to  earlier security blankets of caste, ethnic, race or religious--based superiority. And many groups are in turn preying on this insecurity of young men. The killing of bloggers in Bangladesh or the ISIS, they all seem to be feeding off this phenomenon. Men now see the ‘enemy’ everywhere and thus their violence is justified. This sense now has come to infuse politics everywhere as well.

The staggering economic growth of neo-liberal capitalism, coupled with the technological revolution have not only given the world unprecedented rates of change, but have also led to increasing social and economic division all over the world. Women have been aspiring for social, economic and political changes and achieving them for the last hundred years. Women have fought for changes and so are adapting to the overall environment of change much better than men. The fact that women at home are aspiring for change and adapting to change so easily also makes enemies out of them. This may explain some of the violence that is happening at home and in the community. At the same time men’s inability to cope with change sometimes induces a deep sense of failure. Failure is a phenomenon men are not trained to deal with. From childhood onwards success is the only credo they have learnt – in school, in the field, in the battle field. Believing that a man who has lost has no honour, many failed farmers in India have opted for suicide, leaving their families to manage their inherited debt. Women, better trained to manage failure, and continue on in their absence.

Where does this analysis leave us in our dealings with men? What pathways to a different future does it indicate? Some of us who have been engaged in women’s empowerment have been experimenting with how to work with men as allies in this process. In the last two decades or so we have learnt some lessons about how we may work towards a better future.

Many men find the incidents of violence that I mentioned in the first paragraph ‘upsetting’, or ‘gross’, or ‘unacceptable’. It is a matter of hope that there are such men, because in this feeling of disquiet is the seed of a new understanding of human relations. In many cases this sense of disquiet is followed by a rationalization that such violence happens among ‘others,’ or by avoiding such news, or in some cases by  an intellectual discussion about the state of the world which creates sufficient distance between such events and our personal world to render them harmless.

The beginning to a different future lies in the acknowledgment that the problem is not in ‘those’ men or communities, but in the men we ourselves bring up -- our boys -- through our own unconscious reinforcement of hegemonic masculinity. The most enlightened parent concerned about equality between the sexes will say “I bring up my daughter like a son” but it is never the reverse. Boys are never taught the values of nurturing and empathy, of managing adversity and failure, and to manage for themselves. Among all classes it is nearly universal for a boy not to clean his own dishes or his own clothes. This is not just a training for future participation in domestic work but  a valuable lesson in self-sufficiency. Of course there is a pressure to succeed, but rarely an emphasis on collaboration, cooperation or respect for others. Equally if not even more important is the need to train boys to manage disappointment.

Now let me come to the afore-mentioned discussions I’ve had with leaders of development organisations and the problem that they see women in their communities facing. Here too the solution does not lie in the most obvious approaches, i.e., asking men to loosen control at home and to protect women in public places. These approaches, as I mentioned earlier, can inadvertently create greater paternalistic concern and control.

We have found through our work that to create greater gender collaboration between women and men we need to work from the place where there is the least contest. In the typical patriarchal set-up, public space belongs to men and private space is the women’s domain, but under masculine control. This control is maintained either directly or indirectly through other senior women like the mother-in-law. There is little interaction between women and men, even husbands and wives, in the home or personal space. An obvious symptom of this dynamic is men not sharing housework. However, even child care is often the sole domain of women. In rural India we have found that there are many physical barriers between husbands and wives interacting with any degree of intimacy. Similarly, brothers and sisters often drift apart after puberty. Fathers are not close to young children, since the latter reside within the women’s domain and only when sons become men through a coming-of-age ritual does the ‘man-to-man’ bond strengthen. We have found some men regret the lack of closer interaction with their wives, with their daughters, or even their sisters and sisters-in-law.

In our work we have found that building closer relations with women at home has enabled men to understand the value of empathy. In forging closer relations with their children, men have come to value the virtues of care, nurture and sharing. And this has happened with adult men in their twenties and thirties, and even older. In addition, men can be encouraged to develop a new sense of fairness which is able to see through the limitations of social arrangements of patriarchy. Taking this a step forward, we have successfully encouraged men to take stands on caste and religious discrimination as well. But the initial step was taken via the roles and relations in the family.

I have heard friends say that this kind of work is essentially ‘reformist’ and not sufficiently political, as it does not adequately address deeply ingrained power inequalities embedded in society. Others have said that it lays too much emphasis on the private and personal sphere and not the public or political space. I hear them and I understand their anxiety. My justification of our approach is not only through my own personal practice and some small- and large-scale community-based interventions, but also draws on a nuanced understanding of power and privilege and how it is exercised and experienced.

A politically-sound approach towards social justice or an envisioned world with less violence and more mediated solutions to it cannot come from work with the violent and the under- privileged alone. Many political movements have been born from a sense of injustice and claims for rights and justice. However, acknowledgement of this reality requires people in positions of power and privilege to change their own actions and exercise of power accordingly. In the battlefield the loser loses power; in a negotiated settlement a third party is often asked to mediate so that there is acceptable ‘loss of face’ for the party which is required to cede most in the settlement.

In society there is often no third party. To get where we want to get – to gender equality - men need to give up their positions of authority, which requires first that they acknowledge that their present advantages of power and privilege are often one-sided and lead to the subordination of others. But they have never given up power without loss of face. At home and within intimate relationships they can give up power without loss of face and become used to a sense of comfort without wielding power and authority. This can serve as is valuable practice for creative use of men’s ability to share power and yield authority in public spaces without a sense of loss. We have seen it happen, over and over and in different situations.

We believe that there is no better time than the present to take these lessons to scale. If we feel that what we see around is unacceptable, if we believe in the fundamental equality among all humans, then we can adopt these simple ways of behaving towards others and the way we raise our children, especially our boys. In it lies the only hope for the profound changes that we all want to see for the world which we leave behind for our children. If you agree, share this with you friends.